Chapter 43: Suspension of payment (4)

Part 10

My shift at the bakery ended, and with Youngjin’s mom urging me to take care of myself, I stepped out. Youngjin tagged along, saying it’d been a while since the three of us hung out, and we settled at a café for about 30 minutes of chatter. After seeing Jooyoung off as she said she had to head back, I found myself in a taxi she’d apparently called without me noticing, absently responding to her small talk while staring out at the passing scenery.

“But seriously, why not ride the wave and debut as a streamer?” Jooyoung said.

“What are you on about now?” I replied.

Jooyoung had stayed at the bakery helping out until my shift ended, insisting on escorting me home. When our break ended, she’d even asked Youngjin’s mom, “Since I’m here, is there anything I can help with?” Youngjin and I had snickered at her earnestness, but she was, as always, quintessentially Jooyoung.

The only un-Jooyoung-like thing was her asking the taxi to stop a bit away from my house so we could walk and talk.

“You said you want a master’s because a bachelor’s doesn’t feel enough, right? But you don’t have a clear goal after grad school either,” she said.

“…Yeah, that’s true,” I admitted.

“When people like you and you can do something fun with them, isn’t that pretty cool?”

Jooyoung was undeniably the most considerate person I knew. I didn’t expect her to fully understand the conflicts and confusion I’d been through, but I knew she’d at least thought about it. To say something like this—essentially telling me to accept my changed appearance and live with it—she must’ve wrestled with it for a while.

“…Maybe,” I said.

Even knowing that, a sharp retort like Do you even know what you’re saying? almost slipped out. Was there still a part of me, tucked away somewhere, insisting it wasn’t time yet?

“You might think I’m being nosy, but… I just don’t want you hiding away like this,” she said.

“Hiding? I just came from a customer-facing job.”

“But you take taxis everywhere, stick to empty alleys, and barely go out except for work.”

Honestly, as my resistance to my new wardrobe faded, I’d started wondering what the point of clinging to old habits was. I had to accept it, embrace it—to spare the people around me from worrying or being burdened. I’d told myself that over and over. But…

“When I fully accept this version of myself, when I’m okay with it,” I said, stopping in my tracks.

“Huh?”

“When the old Yoonseo is completely gone, buried in the past.”

Jooyoung took a couple more steps before turning back, her footsteps halting. The late afternoon sun, mixing with the shadows of the alley, cast an oddly somber hue.

“Will my family, you, Youngjin—all four of you—still treat me as this Yoonseo?”

I’d worn a skirt for the first time, even if it had pants sewn inside. They asked if I was okay; I said I was. They told me I’d start my period soon, indirectly saying I could get pregnant. They asked if I was okay; I said I was. Compliments on my looks, blatant stares, subtle flirtations—I laughed them all off. That’s who this Yoonseo was.

But really, I wasn’t okay at all.

“Don’t tell the others. Don’t even think about mentioning this to my family,” I said.

“Yoonseo…”

“I’m not okay. I’m scared. I’m just pretending to be calm, like I always have.”

I forced a bright smile at Jooyoung’s frozen expression. It probably looked pathetic, not remotely cheerful. My curved eyes made the world waver. The trembling scenery felt like it could shatter any moment.

“It’s not about being masculine or feminine. It’s about being me,” I said.

Those words I’d told my parents, hoping they’d find comfort in them, were little more than a lie to deceive my family. Was it fortunate or unfortunate that Jooyoung, the most thoughtful of us, was the first to hear the truth?

Jooyoung wouldn’t tell anyone, as I’d asked. She’d quietly carry the weight of my pain without a hint of resentment. Nothing had changed. But now, instead of one person suffering, there were two. Was it a relief that things wouldn’t get worse, or sad that they wouldn’t get better?

“I’m not accepting change—I’m clinging to being me,” I said.

Silence hung between us. The wind, blowing through the alley and tangling in my hair, scattered in the sunlight. Jooyoung and I stood there, facing each other, frozen.

“…Yeah, I get it,” Jooyoung said, breaking the silence first. A faint smile softened her stiff expression.

“But still—no, especially because of that, why not try streaming as a hobby?”

“…What?”

Her smile deepened at my confusion. Her halted steps resumed, and I hurried after her, flustered, as she showed no sign of stopping.

“The Yoonseo I know always rises to people’s expectations, one way or another,” she said.

“What’s that supposed to—”

“And you’re not the type to hold back from doing what you want just because of others. If what people expect aligns with what you want, you don’t hesitate. You just go, ‘No big deal,’ and get it done.”

Jooyoung giggled. Was that true? Had I been like that? Whether she noticed my furrowed brow or not, she continued, her voice still laced with laughter.

“Streaming’s fun, right?”

Her sudden question made me flinch, my eyes widening. A sharp intake of breath was my only response, and her grin grew as she rapid-fired her words.

“If I upset you, I’m sorry. I wasn’t saying you should act or live to match your appearance. Being yourself? That’s great. I just want you to enjoy it. Maybe I’m assuming too much, but it sounds like you’re holding back because of this ‘be yourself’ idea.”

“However you see yourself, you’re not some ascetic, hyper-disciplined person. Do what you want. No one’s going to think you’re not you just because you get used to this version of yourself. I guarantee it.”

She glanced back, smiling brightly. I hesitated, then let out a wry chuckle. Jooyoung was, to the very end, Jooyoung.

“…Seriously. You were gawking when you first saw me in a skirt. That’s not your usual reaction. Your attitude’s already different,” I teased.

“Well, yeah, it looked good. Maybe expand your wardrobe a bit?”

“That’s me being me?”

“Nah, that’s just my personal wish.”

“Gross.”

“Gross? Even I’d be hurt by that!”