Chapter 1: Meeting

Naturally, I had no intention of taking advantage of Kyunghee.Using someone’s body just because they offered it is something only an animal would do.A decent person wouldn’t push someone in distress into deeper trouble.Even if Kyunghee and I were lovers, I’d have hesitated.But we’re just internet acquaintances who met in person for the first time today.
In a situation like this, there’s no way I’d do anything.Besides, Kyunghee isn’t in a normal state right now.She’s looking at me with anxious eyes, laughing hollowly.Her lips even seem to be turning blue.Her trembling is getting worse, which says it all.It’s obvious neither of us is prepared for this.
“…”“……Right…”
When I slowly took off her hoodie, Kyunghee seemed to give in, making it easier for me to remove it.Her body trembled slightly as I unzipped it, but I couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or because she wasn’t mentally ready.Of course, I had no intention of using her body.I grabbed a dry towel and wiped her down, starting with her body and going all the way to her legs.After drying her as much as possible, I brought a blanket I use in winter and gave it to her.
“…”“You seem hypothermic, so wrap this around you for now.”“Why……”“Hm?”“Why are you helping me without expecting anything in return…?”
Why help without expecting anything?It’s only natural.Offering a bit of help to someone in need.That’s what my parents taught me, and thankfully, I have enough to spare.It might be tight, but I’m confident I can support one more person.
“It’s just, well, you can show kindness without expecting anything.”“…”“I know what you mean.”“……But.”“I’m not going to take advantage of someone desperate enough to come to me from far away.”“Even so…”
Kyunghee’s eyes trembled with anxiety.She looked like she wanted to say something but couldn’t.In the end, she chose to stare at the floor in silence.
“Rest for now. Once your body warms up, I’ll give you some clothes to wear.”“………Okay.”“I hope the sizes aren’t too different, but we’ll see.”“…”
I handed her a few of my smaller clothes, and she opened her mouth but then closed it.It seemed like she wanted to say something, but I ignored it.It definitely wasn’t something I’d want to hear.No, I was certain it wasn’t.I forced the clothes into her hands and spoke.
“Just put these on. I can’t give you a room, but you can rest in a decent spot.”“…………Okay.”“And if you’re going to change, go to the bathroom and take a proper shower or something. You need to warm up.”“……”
Kyunghee nodded silently and went into the bathroom.I heard squelching sounds, like she was taking off her wet clothes.Then the door closed, and the sound of water followed.
“…”
My mind was blank.To process the sudden events, I shut my mouth and thought for a moment.But I couldn’t really organize anything.Honestly, it’s because something so unreal happened.It’d be strange if I could make sense of it.
“Let’s clean the floor and think.”
She probably hadn’t eaten properly before coming here.It’d be best to prepare something hearty for her to eat.While I was wiping the water off the floor with a towel, the bathroom door opened, and Kyunghee poked her head out.She was hesitating, looking embarrassed, so I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong, but she spoke first.
“My hands are shaking, so I can’t shower.”“Oh… really…?”“……Can you help?”
Kyunghee lowered her head, looking like she wanted to crawl into a hole.There was no reason I couldn’t help, and knowing her situation, I nodded.Inside, she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub.Thankfully, she wasn’t facing me.If she had been, I wouldn’t have known how to react.
“Oh.”
The bathroom was a mess, to put it mildly.It was like a flood, but I couldn’t blame her.She didn’t do it on purpose.The mirror and tissues were soaked, which made it obvious.Her hands, gripping the bathtub rail, were trembling, so I didn’t show any reaction and picked up the showerhead.
I adjusted the water to a warm, not hot, temperature and sprayed it on her.She flinched every time my hand got close, which felt a bit awkward, but I tried not to show it.After a while, when I thought I’d rinsed her enough, I turned off the showerhead.
But for some reason, Kyunghee just sat there.Wondering if something was wrong, I picked a safe topic to talk about.Something about soap seemed appropriate.
“Can you handle the soap yourself?”“Well……”“Hm?”“Why are you helping me?”
It was the same question as before.Why was I helping her?A question that didn’t feel natural, its intent unclear.
Her face wasn’t visible since she was turned away, but I could tell she was crying.At the same time, I knew I couldn’t give a half-hearted answer.It was an instinctive gut feeling.
“There’s no such thing as kindness without a price. That’s what I was taught, and how I’ve lived.”“But Kyunghee, sometimes the world does have kindness without expecting anything in return.”“I know. But that’s only for trivial things, like giving up your seat for an elderly person on the bus.”“Exactly. So just think of the kindness I’m showing you as something without a price. And…”
I swallowed the rest of my words.
I didn’t want to let a friend die, but there was another hidden meaning.If she killed herself, it’d cause me trouble.And it seemed Kyunghee vaguely picked up on that, as the faint sound of her crying stopped.She probably thought even her crying was a burden to me.In truth, it wasn’t.It was actually easier to deal with when she expressed her emotions.
There was nothing more to say.After all, her saying I could use her body freely was essentially a declaration of giving up.If she had something to offer, she’d have tried negotiating with it.I would’ve done the same, opening a negotiation table.Like offering to do housework in exchange for staying.Or asking if I was interested in the money from her novel royalties on some site.But Kyunghee is different.She believes she has nothing to offer, nothing she can do.
If I’d said this was just a one-time thing, it might’ve been different.But by implying I didn’t want to kick her out because she might kill herself and cause me trouble, I’d sent a subtle message.As my thoughts reached this point, I felt a surge of nerves.It was like walking on thin ice and seeing it crack in real time.
“Telling you the way here took one minute. Getting you transportation money took ten minutes.”“……What?”“That’s the price I paid.”
Kyunghee stood up from her seat.Then she turned around and slowly spread her arms.My eyes first went to her relatively small chest.Hurriedly trying not to look at her body, I met her gaze, and my eyes locked onto hers.
“……”
Lifeless eyes filled with anxiety and depression.Kyunghee hugged me tightly, speaking as she did.I felt the soft touch of her chest pressing against me.Ignoring the tension building below, I looked into her eyes.
“If you let someone touch your chest and hips for that time, they’ll show you the way and give you transportation money.”“………………”“It’s what my father said. Since I have nothing to offer, I should at least give my chest or hips to survive.”“But… didn’t other people help you?”“Some people came by while I was passing, but they all ignored me. Why do you think?”“……I don’t know.”“They either told me to get lost or hurried away when I looked at them.”“But… but…!”“When I got off the bus and got lost, I collapsed from exhaustion, and a nearby shop owner took pity on me.”“See? There are kind people…”“You call someone who sprinkled salt and told me to die somewhere else kind?”“………………”“Whatever. At least he showed me the way.”
Slowly.
Step by step, I was pushed back.It was hard to believe such strength came from her frail frame.Then my back hit the opposite wall.
“So, you.”“…………”“Siwoo, what price are you going to take from me?”“What price? A normal person…”“The guy who approached me to show me the way and the man who threw salt—they both seemed normal.”“………………”“Tell me. What price are you going to take?”“I don’t need any price. Not right now.”“Every person who’s said that so far has always wanted something.”
Kyunghee laughed through her tears, as if she found it absurd.After a moment, as if driving in a wedge, she hugged me even tighter and said,
“Don’t pity me. If you’re going to use me, just do it now. It’d be easier on my mind.”“Huh? Please…”
But doing so would destroy the person in front of me.It was a lose-lose situation.If I took advantage of her, Kyunghee would reduce her own worth to that of a living toy.Then, no matter what happened to her, she’d justify it by thinking it’s what a toy deserves.But if I didn’t, it’d burden her in its own way.With her mindset, she’d inevitably feel anxious, believing she’d have to pay a price eventually.
“Just… shove yourself inside me and be done with it… It’d be easier on my mind…”“………………”
Her last words were close to a sob.I knew I had to choose something.But right now, I couldn’t pick anything, so I just stared at Kyunghee.Every option felt too frightening to choose lightly.Not long after, Kyunghee let go of her arms around me and said,
“Hah… haha… I get it…”
She sank to the floor, speaking as if resigned.
“You’ll decide when to use me. Got it. I’ll wait.”“That’s not what I meant.”“No, I overstepped. I’m sorry.”
I looked at Kyunghee without saying anything and walked out.I couldn’t tell where things went wrong.Or even if I was acting properly.Everything felt foggy, like it was shrouded in mist.