Chapter 60: Togo Napshin (12)

Part 26

Staring at the silently raised thumb, I froze, unsure how to react, letting out a dazed “Heh…” What does that mean? A thumbs-up usually signals approval, but could I take it at face value? A chilling sense of crossing some forbidden line made me stiffen involuntarily.

“…Yoonseo-ssi, it suits you so well,” Hyunji said.

“…Right,” I replied.

A small gap in the door, just wide enough for my head to peek through, framed Hyunji’s face as she looked at me. Women’s clothes. Cosplay, no less. My eyes darted awkwardly, but the reality of my situation began sinking in. A glance at the mirror behind me revealed my flushed face, expression blank and dazed.

“…Right,” I repeated.

A shiver ran through me, a sense of guilt as if I were doing something forbidden. The fact of my changed gender, which I thought I’d accepted, now loomed in vivid, tangible form. This wasn’t just culottes or women’s pants and shirts tailored to fit—it was an outfit designed to flaunt femininity. And me, wearing it. And the praise for it.

Trying to cover more skin, I hunched my shoulders, arms crossing to shield my armpits and shoulders. Is this okay? I’d wondered before, but now, under a stranger’s gaze, it felt wrong.

Were my earlier thoughts—finding it “fitting,” enjoying it like dressing up a virtual character—just a broken mind’s conclusion? Escapism? This wasn’t a character or an imitation. What had she said? Traveler? No. Someone else’s name? No.

“…Yoonseo-ssi…?” Hyunji called.

“Y-Yes?” I stammered.

What had she made of my frozen silence? Her voice, no longer bubbly, carried deep concern. How long had I stood there, mute? The dampness on my neck suddenly felt real. The mirror showed “Lee Yoonseo” with a terrified, childlike expression.

It was like a blow to the head. I thought I’d accepted it, gotten used to it. But was my resolve so fragile that a stranger’s gaze and words could shatter it? What confidence had brought me here? To stream? Did you think before opening your mouth, Yoonseo?

“Are you… okay…?” Hyunji asked cautiously.

Her careful tone and worried expression—whatever Sanghyeon had said, was she worrying needlessly? It’s not your fault, Hyunji-ssi. There’s no issue. I’m fine. I needed to say something, but my mouth wouldn’t move. My grip tightened on my shoulders. Alone with her gaze, I was crumbling. And to think I’d face cameras and thousands of viewers? The thought was dizzying, a sickening sense of violating my own dignity, a childish hope that staying silent would make it all go away.

“…Ah,” I breathed.

I clamped my mouth shut. Unspoken emotions knotted in my throat, suffocating me. I’d felt this before, I realized.

The first time I saw my reflection.

The first stream, overwhelmed by kindness.

When I was told I was fully female, functionally.

Each time varied in intensity, but the feeling was the same. Less when I could nod and move on alone, more when forced to confront it through others. And now, this was the most precarious moment since that first mirror—second only to it. This outfit, this situation, what lay ahead, what I’d done so far. Trying to meet others’ expectations as “human” Yoonseo had propped me up, but now that foundation felt negated.

A single compliment. A stranger’s praise as the trigger—escapism or blame-shifting? I’m sorry, Hyunji-ssi. Your “it suits you” sounds like “you wanted to suit it” to me. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but I’m sorry.

Before her praise, amid my embarrassment, what had I felt? What had I thought while researching and dressing, adjusting my appearance in the mirror?

First, my family held me up.

Then, Dr. Kang Young-hoo.

My friends helped.

My brother helped.

I thought I could stand alone, but who do I cry to now?

I didn’t want to be “me.” I’d just ridden the wave of others’ gazes, hoping to be propped up—

“Yoonseo-ssi,” a low voice said.

My spiraling thoughts stopped. I hadn’t noticed my legs giving out, my body tilting. Someone caught me. Human warmth. These facts brushed my mind.

“Yoonseo?!” a shout came.

“Hyunji-ssi, what’s—” another voice.

“Don’t come in!” Hyunji yelled.

Her trembling voice roared above me. A click and the sound of a door shutting followed. I was, it seemed, in Hyunji’s arms again.

“Yoonseo-ssi,” she said softly.

“No, no, I’m not mad at you…” I managed.

“Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who should be sorry,” she said.

Her warmth, her heartbeat. Even with her chest, I could hear it. I didn’t know that. Absurdly, that was my first thought. I’m sorry. No, I’m the one who’s sorry. We should get to work—the schedule’s tight, right? My rational thoughts dissolved into her heartbeat.

“…You’re not bad at all, Yoonseo-ssi. You grew up as you are, live as you are—what can you do? The people who judge are the weird ones,” she said.

My mouth, once silenced, couldn’t find words. Seokyoon wouldn’t have spilled everything, and she couldn’t know my heart, but still.

“There are always people who point fingers, mock, and hate just because someone’s doing well. I don’t know you well, but from your streams, I can tell it’s hard for you to brush that off. You worry, you shrink, you get hurt alone,” she continued.

I should’ve cried, but no tears came. I just wanted to lean into her warmth a little longer. Even if her words weren’t heartfelt, even if they were empty, just a little more…

“But that doesn’t mean they’re right and you’re wrong. Tell those twisted people to screw off. Honestly, as someone living off my looks, I can vouch—those loudmouths are nothing. You’re not wrong, Yoonseo-ssi. So…”

Tell me I’m not wrong.

“Could you… smile for me, just once?” she asked.

I forced my trembling head up. Her face, unclear if crying or smiling, was shadowed, her red bob tinged dark under the light.

Part 27

“Won’t it look weird?” I asked.

“Not at all!” she replied.

“Will I get criticized?”

“Of course not!”

“Can I go out like this?”

“Want me to fix your bra a bit?”

“…”

“…Sorry.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. When I first saw you online, you were just… beautiful. Not pretty—beautiful.”

“…”

“I thought, ‘Someone like this exists?’ It was fascinating.”

“…”

“But watching your streams, I realized you’re a good person too.”

“A really kind person. I wanted to meet you, work with you, stand in the same studio.”

“I bet everyone else—viewers, the people waiting outside—thinks the same.”

“Cheungjeokun’s sister is a really good person. So…”

“…Shall we go out?”

“Sorry, I’m bad with words… Huh?”

“Thank you. Really.”

“…Oh, no, it’s nothing…”

“Really… thank you.”

Part 28

Comfort from a stranger felt different from that of close friends or family. The distance in the relationship allowed for a unique kind of connection.

I can go out there. That thought settled in. It was brief, but something had shifted. The weight that had held me back for so long felt like it had fallen away.