Chapter 9: A Habit That Won’t Let Go
“…Yawn…”
It’s been half a year since I was TS-reincarnated into Kivotos.
I’ve gotten used to living in Hoshino’s house by now.
Not that it’s changed my daily routine or anything.
Swipe
“Ugh!”
Drip… Drip…
If anything, self-harm and suicide attempts have become so routine that I feel uneasy if I don’t do them.
‘Is this how smokers feel when they can’t quit?’
Anyway, spending half a year with self-harm and suicide attempts hasn’t been without incident.
Ever since Nonomi and Shiroko caught me self-harming, they’ve been working with Hoshino to try to get me to stop.
Honestly, I just feel sorry for them. They’re suffering because of someone like me.
But even when I try to express how I feel, they just look like they’re about to cry and double down on their efforts, so I don’t know what to do.
“It’s already too late anyway…”
Their persistence and effort are honestly impressive.
Not once in half a year have they given up on me.
So even if the future me ends up giving in to their persuasion, it wouldn’t be surprising.
But even so, the day I give up on suicide will never come.
“It’s already way too late to turn back now…”
“…Sora, are you really okay?”
“…I said I’m fine. More importantly, that truck over there, Shiroko.”
“…Yeah. Activating drone.”
At my signal, Shiroko launched the drone, firing a missile at the truck.
BOOM!!
With a deafening explosion, the truck flipped over, and we rushed toward it.
“Cough, cough… What the hell?! An explosion?! The truck we were driving exploded?! Was that a shell or something? Where’d it come from?!”
“Serika-chan confirmed! We found her!!”
“A-Ayane?!”
“I confirmed it too!! Found a crying Serika!”
‘…Damn, we’re too late…’
I wanted to save her before she started crying, but I guess that was too much to hope for.
“What?! Our little lady was crying? Was she crying because she missed us? This mama didn’t even realize!!”
“U-Ugh?! Shut up!! I wasn’t crying, I said I wasn’t crying!!”
‘…Sorry, Serika.’
I silently apologized to Serika, who was being teased by everyone.
Not that it stopped the teasing, of course.
“That’s a lie! I clearly saw you crying!”
“Don’t cry, Serika-chan! We’re here now, so we’ll wipe those tears away—!”
“Ugh, shut up already! I said I’m not crying! Just shut up!!”
‘Really sorry…’
“But I’m glad. Serika’s safe.”
“What, even you, Teacher?! How did you even find this place?!”
“Rescuing a kidnapped princess is a hero’s job, right—!”
“I-Idi… Idiot! What are you even saying?! Are you crazy?! I’ll kill you! Who’s a princess?!”
‘…Well, looks like Serika’s been won over.’
She’s talking tough, but her blushing face and the newfound trust in her eyes say otherwise.
‘If things keep going like this, he’ll win everyone’s trust in no time.’
“I’m really glad…”
“…Sora-chan? You okay?”
“…Huh? Yeah… I’m fine…”
Maybe because things worked out so well, I’m feeling a bit drained, but I’m okay.
“Uhe, you look healthy enough. Secured safely.”
“I’m so relieved… Serika-chan, I was so worried something happened to you.”
“Ayane-chan…”
“…This heartfelt reunion is great, but isn’t it a bit early to relax?”
Sure, we managed to take down the truck in time, but this is still Helmet Gang territory.
We can’t let our guard down yet.
“Right. Now that their hostage transport’s been destroyed, the flies will come swarming.”
“Multiple Kata-Kata Helmet Gang forces detected ahead!! And heavy weaponry confirmed! They’re slowly forming a perimeter!”
‘…Looks like they noticed.’
“Nice timing… or not, but alright, let’s break through and head back.”
“…Yeah, let’s finish this quick and go home.”
I’m already feeling bad, and staying up all night’s making me want to collapse, so the sooner we get home to rest, the better.
“…Be careful. Those guys have a modified heavy tank.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s a Flak 41 upgrade, right?”
Hearing Serika and Shiroko’s conversation, we raised our weapons, wary of the Helmet Gang.
“Alright, let’s do this.”
At Hoshino’s signal, we all charged toward the Helmet Gang.
“Okay, let’s take them all—”
I was about to rush in at Hoshino’s signal too, but—
“H-Huh? What’s happening?”
‘My vision’s getting blurry…’
For some reason, my vision started clouding, and my body tilted.
Thud
“Wha—?! S-Sora-chan?!”
With Hoshino’s panicked voice as the last thing I heard, my consciousness faded.
“…Ugh… Where am I…?”
When I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital room I’d been to a few times before.
“Oh, I passed out…”
It’s ridiculous that I collapsed just from eating ramen, but the real issue is—
“Hoshino’s probably worried…”
Normally, I’m fine even after suicide attempts, so collapsing from something as simple as ramen must have her freaking out.
She might even bring back the overprotective mode she’d dialed back on.
“…Ugh, I really want to self-harm…”
It’s bad enough that I suffered over some ramen, couldn’t go save Serika, and passed out at the worst possible moment—now I really want to self-harm.
I scratched at my bandaged wrist, trying to suppress the urge.
You might wonder why I’d want to self-harm in a situation like this, but for me, it’s not just a means to suicide—it’s also a way to relieve stress.
Maybe because it hasn’t even been half a year, but since I started self-harming so much, it’s become something that calms me down and gives me a sense of relief.
…Though, because of it, the scars on my wrist keep getting worse, and I have to change my bandages constantly.
Up until last year, I used self-harm to cope with stress, but because of my promise with Hoshino when the juniors started joining, I haven’t done it since.
But—
“…I want to self-harm…”
With getting caught by Ayane, Shiroko’s PTSD, and now collapsing from ramen—there’s been so much stress lately that I can’t hold back.
‘Sure, Ayane caught me trying to self-harm recently, and Shiroko with her PTSD told me to stop, but…’
“…If I do it secretly, it’ll be fine, right?”
I know Ayane and traumatized Shiroko would care, but that’s only if I get caught.
If I don’t get caught, it should be okay, right?
“…Heh, is this an addiction too?”
Guess it really is too late to go back.
“…Alright, let’s go get some fresh air.”
Unable to resist the urge, I grabbed a bandage and sneaked out of the hospital, like some old guy finally giving in to light a long-awaited cigarette after quitting.