Chapter 51: Togo Napshin (3)

Part 6

“…So, um, yesterday I was overly sensitive and showed a bad side of myself. I know it might sound like just words, but I’m sincerely sorry…” I said, voice trembling.

• You don’t need to apologize lololol.
• It was cute, Nunabbattajo!!!!!
• It was a reward, fr. No wonder donations went wild.

Maybe because I’d set up subscriptions last time, it didn’t take long for viewers to pile in—faster and in greater numbers than before. I hadn’t timed it, but it felt like it.

“…What do they even mean by ‘reward’?” I muttered.

That wasn’t the point. I’d planned to apologize to everyone joining, explain my state yesterday (minus the embarrassing details), and say sorry. But the chat’s insistence that it was a “reward” and no apology was needed kept derailing me.

Amid the confusion, a faint guilt crept in. I’d come on this stream to vent, knowing these people wouldn’t hate me. That realization stabbed at my chest. Am I more selfish than I thought?

• More of yesterday lolol.

“I came to apologize, but you all saying it was a reward or great is making me feel…” I trailed off.

The chat, oblivious to my turmoil, brimmed with cheerful messages. Calling me kind, an angel—were they the ones who only knew how to laugh, never getting mad?

• In this scene, a pretty girl’s scolding is a reward~

…No. Was this some masochistic thing? A paradox born from a competitive society’s suppressed desires? Or maybe, by sheer coincidence, Sanghyeon’s viewers were a bunch with that particular kink. Oh, the dark depths of society. My chat moved slower than his, but these thoughts drifted through as I read.

I didn’t voice them—too rude—but my expression betrayed my unease. Always positivity, positivity, positivity. After a month of this, I half-worried I’d forget viewers were human, capable of anger.

• That’s not the face of someone apologizing.

“…And that’s not the attitude of people expecting an apology,” I shot back.

• Fair point.
• Was it even something to apologize for?

I’d heard it before. The “reward” talk stemmed from this. Logically, I knew what they meant—high-handed charm had a long history of appeal. But being the object of that appeal felt jarring.

“…Still, I said harsh things like ‘don’t say dumb stuff’ to donors and…” I started.

• Why ‘idiot’ of all things?
• Even when we asked you to curse, ‘idiot’ was your limit…?

That’s what they’re curious about? Were they just happy with anything about me?

The extreme selfishness I’d felt yesterday, the self-centered thoughts, the cruel impulse to exploit their kindness, the thrill of wielding it—they all resurfaced, making me tremble. I’d chalked it up to the newness of menstruation and its chaos, but what if that was my true nature? Shutting my eyes, I blocked out the chat. My Yoonseo-ness. Meeting others’ expectations. Was that what it meant? Assuming my superiority, believing they couldn’t reject me…

“…Haa,” I sighed.

• Nunabbattajo????
• Still hurting????
• Go to the pharmacy and get meds!!!!

I cautiously opened my eyes. Were my fluctuating emotions a sign I was still mentally unstable, even if the pain was gone? Maybe I should get medicine instead of sitting here.

“…No, I’m not hurting. Just…” I faltered.

Was a white lie to ease their worry deceit or kindness? Should I brush it off with a smile or be honest? This was meant to be an apology stream. I was certain they wouldn’t doubt me, no matter what I said. Duty. My Yoonseo-ness. Disconnected keywords floated like fog in my mind.

“…Why do you all like me no matter what I say?” I asked, voice spilling out unconsciously, almost in resignation.

A brief pang of regret hit, but then relief. I wouldn’t find answers alone. If anyone could help, it was them—the very people involved.

The already slow chat froze. Used to its usual clamor, the stillness felt like staring at a broken object. Were they parsing my words? The silence was heavy, the air pressing on my shoulders.

My fidgeting fingers, a flustered mess, were broadcast unfiltered. I must look pathetic.

• You’re just cute lol.
• Not sure if it’s okay to say to an adult, but it’s true.
• No matter how you see it, you don’t do anything malicious lolol.

“…That’s not much different from what you were saying before,” I replied.

• Reverse advice session time?!
• Should I start with a donation????

Once the dam broke, chats poured in, as if they’d been waiting. Reverse advice? Had I done an advice segment before? Or did they mean streamers usually give advice? Whatever.

“In the end, if I didn’t look like this, you wouldn’t be so kind or like me, right?” I said.

• Can’t say for sure ;
• Never seen otherwise, so who knows!
• That’s a different kind of talk, though.

My half-joking, half-serious words sparked chatter among themselves. Had I forgotten my place? Maybe this wasn’t the time for this talk, even if it was overdue. Regret surged, but the words couldn’t be undone.

• You’re hung up on yesterday, but honestly, if Cheungjeokun did that, we’d laugh it off lol.
• Objectively, calling a ridiculous donation ‘idiot’ is pretty mild lolol.
• We’re not blindly nice. You just haven’t crossed any lines.

“…So. So, then,” I stammered.

Their answers weren’t what I wanted. I needed something deeper, about the parts I’d avoided. Biting my lip, I took a deep breath and forced my words out.

“If I went further than yesterday—if I insulted you, acted out—would you still believe this is the real me?” I asked.

Silence again. A desperate plea, wrapped in flimsy excuses. Forcing “my true self” on people who didn’t need to care. Questions I’d dodged, now confronted. My clenched fist trembled. Not wanting it seen, I slid my arm under the desk, out of the cam’s view.

• Even if that’s your true self and this is fake, it doesn’t matter. Just seeing you reflect and apologize like this makes us like you.
• Cheungjeokun’s fought with viewers and done big apology streams lol.
• Human relationships don’t break over a few mistakes!
• Forget hypotheticals like ‘if you didn’t look like this.’ Seeing you wrestle with your actions like this, we’ll keep cheering for Nunabbattajo!
• Yesterday wasn’t even that bad lol. If you mess up, based on what we’ve seen, you’ll probably regret it and do an apology stream.

My clenched fist relaxed—or maybe it just gave out. I couldn’t tell if it was intentional or reflex.

“…Really?” I said.

• Look at your brother lololol.
• Even streamers fight and curse sometimes!

I see. Even without close ties or blood, my true self wasn’t so easily judged. They saw me, Yoonseo, not just a blonde mannequin.

“…You’re all idiots,” I said.

• Reward time!!!!
• Still in dark mode?!

I didn’t know what drove their words, but…

It felt like a salvation only they could offer, different from friends or family. They weren’t just watching a dolled-up puppet’s antics—they saw me. Even as strangers, I could still be Yoonseo.

That made me happy.

“It’s not dark mode… idiots,” I said, playfully chanting the word to mask the emotions threatening to spill over.