Chapter 49: Togo Napshin (1)

Part 1

I couldn’t quite recall how I’d fallen asleep, but a vague memory surfaced of saying, “I’m sleepy, gonna crash,” during the stream and heading to my room.

“Ugh…?” I groaned, sitting up groggily.

A refreshing lightness coursed through me, almost startlingly so. For a moment, I worried I’d overslept again, but the room was still shrouded in darkness. The window, without curtains, reflected only the dim night sky.

“…What time is it?” I mumbled.

Reaching for my phone, I felt its cool surface. The screen read 5:25 a.m. AM’s morning, right? The thought drifted through my hazy mind before fading.

Blinking slowly, I felt a lingering drowsiness but no desire to sleep more. I dragged myself out of bed, sitting on the edge to cancel the alarm set for five minutes later.

“Waking up before my alarm… that’s rare,” I muttered.

I had the day off from the bakery, and with no real plans, there was no need to waste time. I’d have to wake Junseok soon, and I didn’t want to be showering when my parents were getting ready for work—it’d just make things awkward.

“Guess I’ll shower,” I decided.

Normally, I’d stumble to the sink half-asleep to splash cold water on my face, barely making it in time to prep Junseok’s breakfast. But today, I was up five minutes early, feeling relatively clear-headed.

“Twenty minutes should be enough,” I figured.

I preferred lingering under warm water, but a quick shower wouldn’t hurt. It should be fine, time-wise. Standing, I lifted my hips from the bed, feeling a faint reluctance as the soft mattress slipped away. Grabbing my phone, I stepped into the dark hallway, no lights to guide me.

Each step felt strange without the sharp pain that had plagued me. Only a faint ache remained. A subtle thrill bubbled up, and I almost took a bold stride before remembering the sleeping family members. I shortened my steps, tiptoeing quietly.

Heading to the bathroom, I tossed off the plain T-shirt I’d worn as pajamas. I heard summer sweat can make nipples chafe under clothes. Is it time to get used to bras? I realized I’d forgotten clean clothes. Gotta shower fast and get back before anyone’s up. As I slipped off my underwear, a thought hit me.

“Oh…?”

Mom had said to prepare in advance last night.

I suddenly felt an overwhelming gratitude for her wise advice about bracing for the inevitable.

Part 2

“Good morning,” I said.

“Hrrrm… good… morning?” Junseok yawned, emerging from his room just as I thought to wake him.

The kitchen’s dim light, only on near the microwave, seemed to bother his freshly woken eyes. His brow furrowed sharply.

“…Yoonseo, you feeling okay now?” he asked.

“Okay?” I echoed.

His unsteady, sleep-drunk steps shuffled toward the kitchen. Tears glistened at the corners of his blinking eyes—maybe from oversleeping or not sleeping enough. The light clearly wasn’t helping.

“You were something else yesterday. Like the whole world was pissing you off…” he said.

“What’re you talking about…?” I replied.

Is he still half-asleep? I racked my brain. I’d been irritable and in pain, sure, but… was it that bad?

“Well, to put it bluntly…” he started.

Wait. What did I do yesterday? My earlier cheer soured instantly. To Sanghyeon? After the stream? To family? On the stream? My blood ran cold.

“Like, borderline hysterical…” he continued.

“No, it was hysteria,” I said, stunned.

“Uh, yeah… well…”

The fresh, post-shower softness was overtaken by a clammy sweat trickling down my back. My eyes widened. Junseok, slumping into a chair, looked at me with a complicated expression.

Of course Sanghyeon saw it—he was with me half the day. Junseok too, my parents, the stream viewers… What did I do? How had I acted like nothing happened?

“…Right?” he added softly.

“Ughhh…” I groaned, legs giving out as I sank to the kitchen floor.

My mind went blank. How do I fix this? Would apologizing even be enough? It felt like I’d done too much to brush off.

“Yoonseo?!” Junseok exclaimed.

“No, no, I’m not hurt or anything. It just hit me what I did yesterday,” I said, clutching my throbbing head.

The more I thought, the more I recalled things I shouldn’t have done. Why did I act like that? They were things I’d normally laugh off.

“Uh, Hyung…” I started.

“You’re really not okay—”

“No, I’m fine, seriously. Don’t worry about that.”

Shakily gripping a shelf, I stood, avoiding his gaze. My trembling hands grabbed a plate of pre-cooked sausages and scrambled eggs. The distance from the microwave to the table felt impossibly daunting.

“Uh…” I stammered.

“Don’t hide it if you’re hurting!” he said.

“…I’m so sorry!” I blurted.

Clatter. The plate hit the table roughly, eggs and sausages jostling. I couldn’t tell whose sharp inhale it was—mine or his. My jumbled mind screamed to apologize point by point.

“I didn’t mean to snap. Yesterday, I couldn’t control my emotions. My body hurt, and being like that all day made me so on edge. Even simple stuff like ‘Can you get me water?’ felt like ‘Why’re you asking me?’ I wasn’t in my right mind, so…”

“Yoonseo…?” he said.

“I’m really, really sorry…!”

Had I ever been that hysterical? What did people think, seeing me like that? What if they’re disappointed? What if they think I’m awful? Did the four friends see the stream? What if viewers start saying, ‘Stop faking it’?

I bowed so low my head nearly touched the table. My racing thoughts spun uselessly, over and over. Blood rushed to my head, dizziness sweeping through me.

“It’s not something to apologize for,” Junseok said.

“Huh…?” I mumbled.

“Look up.”

A warm touch settled on my hair. Startled, I froze. His hand didn’t stroke—it just rested, sharing its warmth. His voice, serious in a way I hadn’t heard in ages, urged me to lift my head slowly. My wild emotions—maybe still from my period—felt uncontrollable.

“Others might think you’re stoic, but family sees everything. What’s going through your head, what you’re feeling,” he said.

“…Yeah,” I replied.

“Anyone who knows you knows your usual self is the real you. One bad day doesn’t change that. No one’s going to hold it against you. Got it?”

His sleepy frown was gone, replaced by a steady, caring gaze. The same look he’d given me as a kid whenever I needed help and our parents weren’t around. The look of an eldest son carrying responsibility. A look I rarely saw since we’d grown up.

“…Yeah…” I mumbled.

“Hey, what’s that? You’re gonna cry? Did I say something wrong?” he teased.

“I’m not crying…” I said, voice shaky.

My eyes trembled with rising emotions. Afraid I’d actually cry if I met his gaze, I ducked my head again. My voice quavered pathetically.

I can’t control it. Everything makes me want to cry, get mad, or laugh. It’s exhausting. I clutched my face, trying to hide my twitching lips.

“Sanghyeon, Mom, and Dad probably feel the same. Don’t stress about yesterday,” he said.

“How can I not?!” I shouted, more a pout than anger.

His words about family knowing my thoughts weren’t entirely wrong. A soft, deflated laugh answered me.

It was embarrassing. Scary. Overwhelming. I worried about the future. But still…

“…Thanks,” I said, slowly raising my head.

Heat flooded my face—probably bright red. Junseok, who I thought might tease, just smiled gently, as if that was enough.

“Gotta get ready for work. Any toast?” he asked.